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Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
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Back now. Chad's got a new bed. Uncle Harry sent us some tubes, big ones. So i cut one lengthways down the middle, opened it up and it's a nice bed. Even if it does look a little like an Anderson shelter.
Pshychology was ok i guess. 3 hours is a long time. I get distracted. Trudi lives in the flats on my Dad's road.
Dad's tonight. Pfft. Same old, same old. Matt says he'll rescue me. His car wouldn't start this morning so he ran 4 miles at 5am to work. How mad? It won't do his shins any good. You just know he'll be unable to teach/train tomorrow. He had to teach yesterday because Jon didn't turn up. He wasn't happy.
Feel like eating stuff.
Sent the ram back. Please don't let me blow up the new stuff...
Walsall was a mess, Darren's already said. Bomb scare in Tesco. Couldn't get to the bloody bus station. *hiss*
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(1 Accusation / Accuse me)
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Sunday, February 3rd, 2002
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| Time: | 4:59 pm. |
| Mood: |  angry. | | Music: | The Cooper Temple Clause, Film-Maker. |
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I apologise to anyone who may have misinterpreted my last post. And so i'm going to leave this journal and everyone on it, as i can't keep justifying what i say.
I'm sick of treading on eggshells.
I'm sick of the assumption that my life's been peachy.
I don't write everything in this journal you know, a lot of people don't.
When i was younger i saw a film about a girl who had a diary. And she wrote everything in it. But one day her friends read it and misinterpreted everything. So she got rid of it to stop hurting people.
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(11 Accusations / Accuse me)
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Friday, February 1st, 2002
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Motown, Motown Junk!!!!
Got it on mp3, aint heard it in MONTHS!!!! w00t!!! Happy happy, Manics.
Hey, 7 years today. Creepy. Wonder where he is. He aint dead, he'd have made sure everyone knew about it. But people don't seem to realise it was his decision and he was old enough to make it. He wanted a clean break. Good for him i say, even though i still really don't like him much. Ace lyricist though. No doubt it'll be all on teletext and stuff. Everyone at college asked me if i wanted to go to Blackwood. Dunno if they still are, but try- NO. Why would i want to walk around with manics fans, parading self mutilation scars? It really aint me. Like some kind of weird sick pilgrimage.
Listening to Enya now, Orinoco Flow. Now that's a tune and a half.
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(8 Accusations / Accuse me)
| Time: | 12:52 pm. |
| Mood: |  sad. | | Music: | Metallica, Blackened. |
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Will someone update.
Louise is ill and Darren's not able to pick her up. I hope she's ok. Hope she's not too ill.
Why do i always annoy people without even trying. I can't help it. I wish i could keep quiet but i can't. If i kept quiet, i doubt people would even notice how bad i am at stuff. If i tell everyone then everyone's gonna know. But i can't help it. Des told me once that i was fishing for compliments which really pissed me off, cos that's exactly what i don't do. I don't like compliments, never have. It's because when people tell you that you're great at something when you know you're not, it's empty. It means nothing.
I should stop whinging for once! Darren has the worst, most whingey and annoying girlfriend ever.
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(1 Accusation / Accuse me)
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Thursday, January 31st, 2002
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| Time: | 4:41 pm. |
| Mood: |  cheerful. | | Music: | am i evil. |
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hi all! um... im at darren's house :D which is nice. and he's distracting me. hehe. we just came back from getting Lou from school, and it was all rainy and scary. sandy was sitting on me cos he hates me. (no he dont-darren) yes he does. (NO!!!!!!!!! he LOVES u, just like I do :D- Darren again)
hehe okee i wont argue there.
bumrah the everliving, the everliving bumrah kevin! hur hur you said bum.
darren's mom makes grrrreat tea. best tea i've had in ages!
okey, bye bye
xxx
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(Accuse me)
| Time: | 12:05 pm. |
| Music: | PSB, It's A Sin. |
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Dale was just looking at our journals w00t!
Just wrecked everyone's guitars.
Dan's playing Manics stuff. Just listened to It's A Sin by the Pet Shop Boys- TUNEAGE!!!
Hmmm, gotta go!
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(Accuse me)
| Time: | 11:54 am. |
| Mood: |  busy. | | Music: | Bell Tollz. |
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In Key Skills with Darren. Luke keeps beeping!! Kev and Becky were just in. They won't let me forget the thing i once accidentally wrote...
Just had rehearsal, i was like, 40 minutes late!! Ooops... I got to go on the drums tho, RARGH. Andi knows i'm so much better than him. *snigger* yeah right.
Going to Darren's in a bit which should be cool.
Mnuh, there was hardly any hot water last night. I'm fed up of having to bathe in an inch of it. Surely it aint too much to ask, for a hot bath just once??
Waiting for Kate to come and help me.
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(Accuse me)
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Wednesday, January 30th, 2002
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Des was away- nugh, meaning i carried my guitar for no reason. :( I was in a really awful mood today. And considering what's happened lately, i especially didn't want Darren to think i was moody with him, because i wasn't. I can't control my moods at all, it really gets me down.
Anyhoo, we both felt better after bass enrichment.Darren, Emily, Steph, Kev, Becky, Sean and i had a laugh down by the refectory.
BRB, got to go home.
xxx
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(2 Accusations / Accuse me)
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Tuesday, January 29th, 2002
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| Time: | 9:52 pm. |
| Mood: | sad. | | Music: | Zombie, The Cranberries. |
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Fergal Lawler uses chinas on Zombie. Tank used them too. Well. One. One really horrid one. If Sean ever used a china I'd write to him and tell him to take it off. They're vile. Well, some are OK. Tank's was horrible. Some are nice. Yeah. I like them now. I like Fergal's. He's cool. I like his drumming on Zombie.
I'm talking rot aren't i.
'I'm talking rubbish to cover up the cracks'
Damn you Nicky. Damn you damn you why do you write stuff i wish i'd written.
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(Accuse me)
| Time: | 6:31 pm. |
| Mood: | optimistic. | | Music: | Green Day. |
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Normal, bog standard day today. Phil bought in a big bag of mini eggs, which between us (ie. the whole of Shelley campus) we finished. We had recording and HALLELUJAH i understand!!
In Marion's Language Of Music lesson, we drew faces on the eggs. We made a whole Metallica band! Except I dropped Lars on the floor and Darren ate Kirk.
Then Marion shouted. Witch.
Bekki's new words are:
Arsewank, cuntwank, fuckwank, wank wank.
And she says them at the same time. She did today in Music Tech. It's like, the bastard score in Cubase won't open. So she's like, 'Arsewank, cuntwank, fuckwank, wank wank!'
He he.
Wish i could help Darren. It's frustrating you know. I've never been in his position, i don't really know what it's like. I have an idea, but it's not personal experience. It's just that some people are sometimes blind to others needs. And it's noone's fault, i just wish people could see. That people could be a little bit more objective. For everyone's sake.
Thing is, it's really none of my business and so i'm not sure if what i'm saying is offensive. I really hope not. I don't want to seem prying. But i care. I truly do, more than I've cared for anyone ever.
I wish he knew how much.
*sigh*
On a happier note (although this only seems like a good thing when happy. It seems like the worst thing in the world when you're low). Me and Darren were in my room the other day listening to Green Day. And for the first time EVER i felt really optimistic. Like life is really damn good. I'm 16, Darren's 17, we're YOUNG. We have our whole lives. We've been through the worst (hopefully...), things can only get better. If we can forget the past, we can move on. This is true of anyone, but the hard part is getting rid of the past. But to move on, you got to. You HAVE to. There's nothing to gain by dwelling. I know it's hard it's possibly the hardest thing I've ever tried to do, but hell, i feel so much better. Sure, I'm still scared (read- Terrified) of the same person coming back, but i can't dwell on it. How can i move on otherwise? On a more selfish note, i have everything i ever wanted. I have Darren, which he assures me is for as long as i want him. Which of course is fine by me! I'm at college, i have friends. I'm not being singled out in anyway. This is everything I ever wanted. This is how i envisioned my teenage years. It may be a little late, but it's never too late to start living.
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(1 Accusation / Accuse me)
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Monday, January 28th, 2002
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| Time: | 10:17 am. |
| Mood: | annoyed. | | Music: | The house that jack built. |
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Um... we have a problem. I'm now at college. Andi seems not to have booked a rehearsal like he said he had. But it doesn't matter. All the rooms have been taken anyway by Tony.
So we're here for no reason.
Waiting for Darren. I best go find him. There was nowhere to sit, there were loads of second years so i was scared.
Should go now.
We really did need this rehearsal.
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(Accuse me)
| Time: | 8:28 am. |
| Mood: |  worried. | | Music: | Muse, Darkshines. |
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Darren's sent me loads of cool Sonic and Knuckles pictures- thank you, you rule so much!! I'm gonna see if my print cartridge will last so i can print the Knux pic! Thanks again.
I hope everyone on LJ is ok. I gotta go out soon and it's raining a lot. And i have Darren's coat so he'll only have his Metallica jacket! Noooo :(
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(Accuse me)
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Sunday, January 27th, 2002
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| Time: | 9:34 pm. |
| Mood: | amused. | | Music: | Unforgiven II. |
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Cast of Characters:
All suspects are.... fu*king a*se holes- Darren
Lukeybaby- Luke
Speak The Words I Want To Hear To Make My Demons Run- Me.
____________________
Lukeybaby says:
sim has 5 mins of ear time and then she dies hurry
Speak The Words I Want To Hear To Make My Demons Run says:
im dying...
Speak The Words I Want To Hear To Make My Demons Run says:
apparently
Lukeybaby says:
if i get mars then u wont
All suspects are.... fu*king a*se holes says:
ok, here, mars is urs just dont hurt her
Speak The Words I Want To Hear To Make My Demons Run says:
:D
Speak The Words I Want To Hear To Make My Demons Run says:
wow am i saved yet?
Lukeybaby says:
ok sims gose bk 2 darren
All suspects are.... fu*king a*se holes says:
:D yay
Speak The Words I Want To Hear To Make My Demons Run says:
coolies *bounces like a nutter*
All suspects are.... fu*king a*se holes says:
*holds sim and aint gonna let go EVER*
In a simultaneous conversation:
All suspects are.... fu*king a*se holes says:
that was... ahem fun
Speak The Words I Want To Hear To Make My Demons Run says:
*giggles like a loon*
Speak The Words I Want To Hear To Make My Demons Run says:
you know you enjoyed it
All suspects are.... fu*king a*se holes says:
lol
All suspects are.... fu*king a*se holes says:
no, not really
____________________
Oh yes, we have intelligent conversations.
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(Accuse me)
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Louise wants me to write about a memory, or Darren.
*Whimper*
What shall i write?
I've never had anything funny happen to me.
Um... *thinks*
Really, nothing funny's ever happened.
I'll get back to you.
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(27 Accusations / Accuse me)
| Time: | 7:11 pm. |
| Mood: | happy. | | Music: | Muse, Micro Cuts. |
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Update? Please??
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(Accuse me)
| Time: | 6:22 pm. |
| Music: | New Model Army, Higher Wall. |
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New Model Army
*bounce*
Missing Darren :*(
His coat now smells of me, which is slightly less comforting.
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(Accuse me)
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*snigger*
Luke just said i'm fit
*howls with laughter*
Oh!! You know what?? Yesterday i was meant to go to Manchester with the Ziners!! I clean forgot! Oh well, i was with Darren and i much prefer spending time with him. Savage Cabbage kept phoning me... *wibble*
'We're passive in our brave new world'
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(3 Accusations / Accuse me)
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flicker_y2k's journal
apathetic.